desperate for love

i've been feeling lonley as ever, obviously. this quarentine is really beating my ass.i want to stay safe so of course im not going to endanger other people by leaving my house, and i'm not going to complain because we all know its a literal pandemic and people are dying, but im just saying im lonely, thats all. but even if it wasn't a pandemic i would still be sad because i can't get a girlfriend. boo hoo, i know but like im lonley ok?? I have a boyfriend currently but he doesn't even live in the same continent as me and he doesn't speak english so talking to him a struggle as we have a language barrier as well as a significant age gap ( atleast for my age right now) so we have trouble understanding eachother not only emotionally but just on a basic language level. i don't know if i really like him. he's a bit girly though in his apperance and his figure. pale skin, slim eyes, pink lips, dark hair, skinny and tall. if he grew his hair out long, maybe shoulder length i think i would be fond of it. i tend to prefer feminine guys. if i even like guys at all, that is. i thought i was bisexual for the longest time but i interally feel like im faking it, maybe im secretly a lesbian and i can't come to terms with it. or maybe im secretly straight and i cant come to terms with my attraction to men. i don't know, maybe some day i'll figure it out. do you ever listen to a song and feel like you secretly wrote it? i feel that so often recently when i listen to mistki. i like her, her music to me feels like i couldv'e written these songs because they just relate to me on every level a song can. her entire lush album is literally like, just a stab in the heart ykwim? like, i really feel like i could have written this entire album because i just relate to everything so deeply.

anyways, i yearn for a womans touch. most guys, i don't like their body and physical traits. their scruffy chin, hairy limbs and torso, their tall and broad bodies, their large hands and feet. most of all i hate the idea of what a man should be in society. the idea of "masculinity" the idea of what a boy should and should not be. it disgusts me and it disgusts me when men come to me with their mommy issues, anger problems, and inibility to cope with their issues, share their feelings, and their struggle to open up and love whole heartedly. i hate it when these boys come to me and expect me to fix them, to be their person therapist and give me nothing in return but MAYBE a kiss or something a little bit more. im actually not even that much of a fan of physical affection, especially from men. with girls, i dont care about doing PDA. holding hands, kissing, hugging, being clingy, cuddling, sitting together, being intimate wheather its romantic or platonic. it doesn't bother me at all, i actually like it, its nice. but with guys, i hate it. despise it, rather. it's gross, i feel anxious and uncomfortable. once i was at my ex boyfriends house and we were at the table with his family i think it was his brothers and maybe his mom but i cant remember correctly. anyways, we were sat at the table and he had his arm around me. i wanted to crawl out of my skin i was so uncomfortable. i don't want to talk about him anymore though. he didn't do anything nessicarily bad to me but i don't want to remember that relationship. if possible i'd like to erase my entire memory of him and everything we did together. lets get back to talking about women.

i love women so much. their soft eyes, their soft kissable lips, the little bump at the bottom of their stomachs ( i know we all have this don't even lie to me) their soft body lines, everything. girls are just so good, their voices are always just right no matter what pitch it is, it always sounds like music to my ears. i love women of all skin tones too, they all are just so gorgous and breath taking. i mean like, hello girls with super dark melanin skin??? UGH so stunning i'd literally kill myself for dark skinned women. albino women?? literally breath taking with their naturally light hair and their eye color is always so gorgeous and stunning.light skinned black women? SO pretty i swear to god with your pretty hair and gorgeous features BYE. asian women? literally a gift from god you guys are so beautiful. white women? literally stunning, so so pretty. arab girls? i literally love u marry me now. hispanic women? ugH the flavor is literall immaculate. i love women so much i want to be held by one so bad. i wanna lay on a blanket in the forest with a pretty girl listening to girl in red and eating strawberries. my main celebrity crushes are sandra oh, willow smith, kim hyuna, clairo, adele, all of loona, and girl in red. ofc i have countless others but thats who came to mind.

i want to be held by a woman. by held i mean HELD you know what i mean? i mean im a bit nervous to do something like that, but i want to. i kinda know how lesbian sex works but im not exactly sure of what to do when and how to initate it and this and that you know? i've had some experiences of heavy petting with women but i've never gone all the way. i wish to do so though. i love women and i love womens bodies so much. i just want to make a girl look at me with a face of pure lust because of what i've done to her. i want a woman to grab my hair whilst my head is in between her thighs, i want to hear her make those pretty noises i always hear so much about. then, i want to kiss her on the lips so she can taste herself on me. this is just wishful thinking though, i don't think a girl would want to do those things with me. anyways, i've written alot today i think i'll sign off now. maybe ill watch lady bird later, as they recently added it to netflix. ttyl

june 12,2020

it has come to my attention that last time i updated, i forgot to put a date. my mistake. it was june 3rd but im not in the mood to go back and change it so i guess you'll have to figure it out from down here lol. i was quite distracted this past week and i honestly kinda forgot about this website, and i thought it was pointless to update but i finally got a comment and a follower!! yay! i hope one day i can have more than one but right now im greatful that there is even one person willing to listen to what i have to say. i have a few followers on other social media accounts but this is different. this is a place where i can share my inner thoughts and feelings without anyone knowing who i am. its freeing i guess; i can literally say anything i want and nobody can truly judge me because they dont know who i am. i guess i should fill u in on how my life has been since i've last updated so here we go. I was in contact with a guy for a while, korean american and older. he was a bit weird, constantly trying to "figure me out", that part was irritating. he was a bit of an asshole and he had no sense of boundaries apparently because he would constantly ask to kiss me over text and ask me weird questions over video call. well, not questions but like requests. things like "let me see your belly or im hanging up". weird guy right? well on tuesday june 9, he said he was going to block me and he hasn't messaged me since. im not bothered by it at all, but its weird right? like what kind of guy is that? luckily we never met in person so i dont have to put up with his annoying bullshit anymore. we talked for maybe a week or 2 but nothing long-term and to be honest i liked him as a friend a little bit but im not going to die without him and im not gonna cry that he's gone.

things with my boyfriend have been just fine. we've never met in person or talked over the phone so our relationship is only text oriented. it may sound weird to most of you reading this and i'll agree, yes it is a big weird, but our relationship for sure isn't that serious. that might sound mean, but i dont know how much he actually likes me or considers our relationship. all i know is that i don't think about him when i wake up, i don't think about him when i go to sleep, i don't get worried or stressed when he takes a while to respond. am i a bad person? possibly. but its weird. im dating a guy who is considerably older than me and we barley speak the same language. he lives in a different continent aswell and i feel like he kinda changed since we started dating. i dont know, hes kinda nice to me though and we've been "dating" for a month. im tired so ill sleep now its 3 am

july 8,2020

hi everyone, sorry i haven't updated in a few weeks. i've been a bit busy with just daily life so i haven't really had the time, nor the want, to sit down and write about my life or whatever. but today im pretty bored, so i'll take this free moment to do so.i haven't been doing much recently but i did a major room clean up, so i guess that's nice. my room was seriously messy, like to the point where you could barley walk inside or open the door. i still have alot of cleaning, or rather arranging, to do. i have alot of stuff so i really need to figure out what i want and dont want,and then i need to find a place for it. i've also been painting alot recently, i think im getting better. i've kinda developed a signature style; purple, blue or red skin, red eyes, and yellow background. i mostly paint girls though, since im most familiar with their anatomy ;). i've also been on yubo alot recently (if u dont know what that is, its an app for "making friends" but its mostly a dating app for kids under 18 lmaoo) so i've been meeting and talking with many very very pretty girls. i think im gonna fall in love with all of them bc im a pathetic gay who longs for any woman who breathes.

i've been listening to alot of music recently (as i always do) but for some reason, its been all music i dont really listen to anymore. what i mean by that is that i've been listening to more "emo" music recently lolol. idk why it just makes me so happy to listen to music like falling in reverse and my chemical romance recently. even though i haven't really been actively a fan of those bands for maybe 2 years at least, i just feel happy inside to listen to something i used to love so much. i don't really have any fond memories attatched to those songs though because my brain has literally blocked out most of my memories from 2016-2018. i literally dont have any memories at all from when i was in sixth grade (2017-2018) besides for crying in the lunchroom and my multiple mental breakdowns at school and anyways, thats not where i was meaning to go lmao. umm i've made a new friend recently, he's korean and he lives in the same city as me so thats cool. im helping him with english. he's pretty funny and i often share my music with him and he likes it 99% of the time. we have pretty different music tastes but i can always manage to find something he likes or enjoys.anyways, i was on a video call wirh a friend, it was a guy i talked about earlier if you remember, the older korean american guy. alot has happened since last time with alot of my relationships so i guess i should catch you up. im still dating my long distance boyfriend but we barley talk, and when we do all he wants to discuss is sex. its always about sex i swear. always something like "섹스만하고 아기만들지말자" or "나는 섹스하고싶다" its so annoying like i dont always want to talk about sex like atleast ask me how im doing, if i ate, how my day is going, SOMETHING. something other than having sex or making babies or whatever. the guy i mentioned earlier who i was on video call with, um its the same guy who blocked me a few weeks ago lmao. he's unblocked me since then and we talk kinda frequently but not really, it doesn''t matter though. i dont really care how frequently we talk bc all that matters is we have a good time while talking, adn atlest i do. i don't know if he feels the same way but he probably does because he always calls me or answers when i call him so,,he probably enjoys talking to me. the weird thing is he always asks to date me or kiss me or something like that. that would be semi-normal but hes overage and im a minor and also i have a boyfriend. i dont think i told him about my boyfriend though so that part is excusable but still. i don't know whats going through his head at all. anywaysssss um....i've been reading alot of manga recently. less than i used to, but its still alot. i used to just read them so quickly at such a high frequency but recently i dont have the attention span to do so. i started my period yesterday, which is annoying as always and i've been having alot of pain in my lower stomach and also in my lower back and right leg. the back and leg thing has nothing to do with my period but i thought i would mention it since im talking about pain. its really painful and it happens randomly. the most memorable times its happened is when i was laying in bed and i turn on my side and all the sudden my entire lower back and entire right leg hurts so much. its the type of pain that hurts so much i can only laugh.its hard to walk or even stand up straight. i had to walk to the bathroom to pee and wash my face and i could barley wash my face because i couldn't bend over to the sink without being in super bad pain, my legs shaking, and laughing because of the pain. anyways, what else is new? hm,, oh i dyed my hair brown!. my hair before was a reddish-blonde (faded from ginger dye) so i just dyed it medium brown which is pretty close to my natural hair color. since its summer i've also gotten a little tanner and i have a pretty harsh tan line. my mom said its nice that i have some color though, even though my korean friends say being pale is better. anyways its kinda late now so i think ill go to read and whatever. i think i'll probably eat some noodles tomorrow because i haven't had noodles in a little while. i might update tomorrow awell but if i don't, don't attack me lol

july 9,2020

good morning everyone. i said yesterday that i would update so here i am, updating. lololol. right now its 1:07 pm, i think i woke up about an hour ago but probably earlier. as i said i would do yesterday, i did eat noodles just a few minutes ago. they were pretty good but nothing outstanding or amazing. i dont use measurments so i cant tell u exactly the recipe but i just boil rice noodles then i make a sauce out of rice vinegar, sesame oil, fish oil, gochuchang, soy sauce, brown sugar, red pepper powder, garlic powder, and siracha. its pretty good, just eyeball it and put as much or as little of each ingredient as you want. i didn't sleep that well, and i woke up pretty tired. i slept for 8 hours though, i know that because i voice recorded my sleep. that might sound weird but i think ill upload it as asmr or something, because the breathing sounds + the sound of my fan is pretty calming. and I KNOW, i shouldn't sleep with my fan on (its a korean superstition called fan death) but i cant help it, itsummer and its too hot to just live like that, sweating in bed with no mercy. i've been reading a cute webtoon recently called sign, its a lezhin webtoon, its pretty good and im almost finished. i think i started it either yesterday or 2 days ago but its hard to say lolol i have bad memory. my goal one day is to read all of the most popular webtoons and mangas on the website i use to read. i've already read a bunch of them so it won't be too hard to read all of them. some of them aren't interesting though and i dont wanna torture myself reading mangas i think are boring and not worthwhile. also, artstyle is really big deal for me idk why,so i wont read something if i dont like the artstyle. i mean, how can you look at something for like 2 days straight reading if you dont even like the visual apperance. its atleast hard for me lol. today my moms boyfrined has been really annoying but i don't want to go into specifics because its gonna annoy me to talk about it alot. but he always yells at me and bitches at me over trivial things that dont even matter. i wish i could run away to korea and start a new life, i could live with my boyfriend or my friends family. i'd have to go to school, work a job, get a visa, and then eventually get perminant residence. i could claim assaylum in korea lololol good idea right? i'm kinda joking. i think im going to korea in 2022 though, like for a year to go to school. i think it'll be really tough but i'll be able to do it. i just have to study korean more now so that when i go abroad im not killing myself trying to live my daily life. if i learn alot of vocab and stuff while im still here in the US then when i go over to korea i can only focus on improving my speaking ability. i think that would be kinda fun.

right now im recording myself on my phone in time lapse to see what i look like when im just chilling. i think its fun to watch those type of videos. i probably need to clean my room even though thats all i did all day yesterday, but its still really messy and i enjoy doing thingd before other people tell me to do idk if its just me but if im already planning to do something and then someone tells me to do it, i get really irritated and i dont want to do it anymore. i guess i've always been like that. anyways, i really need to clean and study korean because i've been hardcore slacking recently like, really slacking. i haven't properly studied in months and i haven't even half ass studied in months. ;/ i should get to that.i'll talk to you guys later tho. peace out